In the 60’s, the idea was “let it all hang out”, just do what ever you feel the need to, let people see who you are and you will be happy.

 I just read a brochure for a conference in Sydney this year “Happiness and it’s causes”, how to be happy all the time. Just think properly and you will be happy. Now that’s an interesting trend. When I was a kid, the whole idea was not about happiness, but if you work hard, save your money, then all will be well. Happiness was not necessarily something to strive for. A good job. A good education. A husband or a wife. A few kids. What more does anyone want from life. Happiness? What’s that?

 Eating: The idea of what we should/should not eat changes on an almost daily basis. One day we’re told that red meat is not good for us. Now we’ve got a commercial that reckons that the reason we evolved from the apes was because we started to eat meat. Fat’s not good for you. Have to eat certain fats, but not the others.  Eat fish. Don’t eat fish, too much isn’t good for you.

 Parenting: When my first child was born, 4 hourly feeding was the norm. You were supposed to wake up the baby and feed him every 4 hours. Five years later when my second child was born, the “norm” was to “demand feed”, which meant when baby woke up, you fed her. I don’t know what the norm is now, so long since I’ve had a child, but I’m sure it’s something different.

 Smacking your child. When I was a young mother, spanking your child was considered quite okay, and people who didn’t were considered bad parents. Children needed to learn the rules of life and a sharp smack on the bottom did them no harm. “My father used to beat me with a belt, and it didn’t do me any harm” was a familiar comment. Now, if you smack your child, you are likely to be charged for child abuse.

 Drinking: I have never liked the taste of alcohol and through the years have had problems with people who feel that there is something wrong with non-drinkers – “What’s the matter, don’t you know how to party?”. I’ve even had people hand me a coke with rum in it when I just asked for coke. Simply because it was not socially acceptable to be a non-drinker (unless you were a recovering alcoholic and then it was okay). Now, I am the “designated driver” and not drinking has suddenly become socially acceptable.

 Television: When my children were young (not me, I can remember living without a television. I can remember our first television), the rule was: you mustn’t allow your child to watch too much tv. It was not good for their eyes. It would stunt their development. And you never, ever, admitted using the television as a babysitter. Now!! No one talks about the “dangers” of television. Every parent I know, has, at some time or other, used the tv to entertain their children at some stage. Now we are getting the same warnings about the use of computer that I got about television.

 Second hand clothes: Those used to be only for poor people. You never, ever admitted that you had hand me down clothes cause that meant you were poor. I remember being about 15 and all I wanted for my birthday was a “store bought” dress. I’d had my sister’s hand me downs, or clothes my mother had made, and a “store bought” dress was, to me, at that age, the epitome of luxury. There was no such thing as a second hand store where “normal” people went to buy clothes. Now, second hand stored abound. People brag about how little they paid for something rather than how much they paid for something.

 Writing: Now this is an interesting one. I use a lot of contractions in my writing. It’s part of my style. In the past, my writing would have been seen as not good enough because I use contractions and write the way I speak. It is informal. It is easy to read. If I had presented an article like this to my teacher in school, I would have failed.

 Teaching. Computers. The internet. All right. I will stop here. I could go on for days. Every paragraph I write, I think of something else that has changed in my life time alone. What about all the things that have changed before my life time and will change after I die. The world I will leave, will be totally different from the world my son leaves when he dies.

 What’s the point of this article? Nothing particular. Just fascinating to note how things change over time. Also, I guess, is to be aware that nothing ever stays the same. So what you are doing right now, is probably neither right nor wrong. It just is – for now – it could change tomorrow.

 Madeleine

Tuesday, 21 March 2006

 We went to a park that I hadn’t been to in years. The last time was probably with a friend of my son and his family. They went canoeing, while the rest of us sat and ate and drank.

 Here is the place:

As you can see, things are pretty dry here right now.

 As we walked along the river, I decided to go under the bridge to see what Ally’s response was. Sometimes when there are noises, she will get startled or interested.

 So under the bridge we went.

 Ally was not bothered by the cars driving across on top of her.

 On the other side of the bridge, we found a track. So we followed. It started out like cars had been through.

 And then it got smaller and smaller.

 Rolling
                                

Exploring
 

 Sniffing
 

 Then we came to the end of the track.

 So we turned around and came back.

 It’s interesting how different things look when you stand at the same spot, and take two photos in different directions.

 Ally stopped to scratch

 While I checked out the litter !!

 Not too bad. Been places where it is worse.

Then we headed back. Down the track. Under the bridge.

 
And back to the car park.

 Ally decided to cool off.

 And we watched this guy get ready to go kayaking.

 Back to the car.

 The people in the background decided not to stay.

And of course, one last photo as we are driving out of the park. I cannot resist the pictures from my car.

 
Madeleine

Sunday, 26 March 2006

 Expectations

 I’m not actually sure where I’m going with this one. There are two things roaming around in my brain, similar themes, but slightly different situations. I am a counsellor. I work with women. Often women who are parents. We talk a lot about expectations of the role of the mother. Father comes into it as well, but because I work mainly with women, we talk mainly about the mother role. I guess for guys reading this, you can change the female expectations to male expectations.

 When people become parents, there are a lot of expectations, from society, from family and friends, but mostly from themselves. Expectations of how they should be as mothers, wives, home makers. Often, particularly with the first child, are at home full time, having quit work.

 We see our societal images of the “mother”. She is all caring, all nurturing. She runs a tight ship. The house is always extremely tidy. The children always neat and clean and well behaved. We see images on television of the women who work full time, have a house full of children, and everything seems rosy.

 Mothers (and fathers I expect), see these images and see themselves as wanting in some way. To keep the house at the level that women see in your House and Garden magazines is a full time job. To add a baby, sleep deprivation, and a schedule which is demanding and totally absorbing, makes each job just that much more impossible. Many women fight with these demands. Why can’t I cope like other women do? Why is my house so messy and others are so tidy? My child will get sick if I don’t keep the house clean and germ free? Other women do. Why can’t I? What’s wrong with me?

 Expectations are shoulds. Things we feel we should do. Things we believe are essential to not only our own well-being, but the well-being of our children and our partners. So the mother gets lost in amongst all the shoulds she believes are part of her job as a mother and home maker.

 Nowadays, the expectations for women have increased. We  now have the expectation of work on top of being a mother. Many women fight with these roles. I should work. I should be able to manage both work and being a mother. Other women do. Why can’t I? What’s wrong with me?

 The reality is: There is nothing wrong with you. You are one of millions of women who feel this way.  Being a mother is a full time job. Unpaid. Your roles are many, demanding and never ending. There are few holidays for mothers. Even your holidays are taken up looking after the children and making sure they are safe, fed, watered and bedded.

 Myths abound. I started to do an internet search on the myths of motherhood. What I found was myths around:

• The pregnancy (you will glow and radiate throughout the pregnancy etc)

• Giving birth (a vaginal birth is the best)

• Breastfeeding (definitely the best, easiest. Your child will be smarter than most)

• Ensuring you bond with your baby (critical for your child’s future psychological health)

• How you should deal with each stage of development (if you get it wrong, you have scarred your child for life)

• How mothers are constantly happy, just being a mother (of course they are. This is your predestined function in life)

• If you work hard enough you will get your svelte figure back after the birth (it’s just laziness if you don’t)

 And so on. I would be laughing right now if I didn’t know the serious consequences for mothers if they “fail” in any one of these areas.

 There are myths about how you “should” have a baby. There are myths around how you “should” breastfeed. There are myths around how the baby “should” be when you get her/him home.

 Each time I wrote the sentences above, I can remember people telling me stories about how everyone knew what they “should” be doing to fix whatever problem they had. Motherhood is one of the few jobs that everyone else knows what you “should” be doing.

 Let go of some of your expectations. I know children who were bottle fed. They are just normal adults now. My son was bottle fed. He is a very intelligent young man. Maybe if he had been breast fed, he would be a genius. Who knows. Who can say. I know children born by caesarean. They have turned out fine. I know women who were sick for the whole 9 months of pregnancy. I know women who glowed all through their pregnancy. My first response to seeing my son was not love and happiness. It was exhaustion and simply glad that the labour was finally over.

 As you can see, there are no rights and wrongs about being  a mother. Over the years I have seen so much change in the expectations of mothers. Nowadays, our expectations are much higher than they were when I had small children. There is almost too much information out there.

 Babies and children are incredibly strong little tackers. It is part of the survival of the human race. All children grow up with issues and baggage from their childhood. That is a given. All any mother can do is the best they can with the skills and emotional wherewithal at the time.

 A bloke called Winnicott talked about good enough mothering. He talks about a range of parenting which fits in the good enough range. If, overall, your parenting fits in the good enough range, your child will be fine. Some days, your parenting will be at the lower end of the range – days when you are sick, when something happens in your life. Other days your parenting will be at the top end of the scale – the days when you wake up in the morning and life is good. Most of the time, your parenting will be in the middle somewhere.

 And that is good enough.

 Madeleine

Sunday, 19 March 2006

Political correctness

 I’m listening to the radio and all the Irish jokes this morning. It’s St. Patrick’s Day.  For some reason the world has grabbed onto this day as an excuse to wear green, and get drunk. As I’m listening to the jokes (and some are quite funny), I’m reminded of the jokes as a young person in Canada. Newfie jokes were the “in” thing. People from Newfoundland were the butt of our jokes. There was no such thing as “political correct” in the early 1960’s. Any group of people was likely to be made fun of.

 Nowadays, we have “political correctness”. I remember being away on a weekend with friends and we had a session of politically incorrect joke telling. We had a hilarious night.

 So what makes a joke politically correct or incorrect. It’s okay to call the Irish stupid. It’s okay to make fun of blonde women. It is not okay to make jokes at the expense of African Americans or Aboriginal Australians. These are considered “bad”. Jokes against women and men are often PC or not PC depending on the company you are keeping. I know women get together and tell jokes against men and I’m sure men do the same thing.

 So what makes a joke politically correct or incorrect? Is it the number of people who complain about it? Is it the current “politically correct” issue for the day? Cause PCness changes over time. I can remember listening to jokes against women and finding them hilariously funny. Now I don’t. What has changed. I guess my own personal beliefs changed with the times.

 I still have not answered my own question. I don’t have an answer. Have we gone too far with political correctness? Or have we not gone far enough? I do know that humour can devalue people. However, are the Irish devalued by the jokes at their expense? I don’t believe they are.

 So why is it politically incorrect to make jokes about some groups of people and politically correct to make jokes about other groups of people?

 Madeleine

Friday, 17 March 2006

Fluffy dogs and fluffy dog owners

 Walking my dawg tonight I met a man with a couple of little beauties. As we were walking and talking, the dawgs getting to know each other, along came a fluffy little dog. One of those little white fluffy things.

 This wasn’t the dog but this is similar

.

  All four dogs got stuck into it, not fighting, just playing, getting to know each other. At some stage, little fluffy yelped as if he/she was in pain. Her owner freaked. There was a delightul melee while two dawg owners tried to corral their dogs. As fluffy woman caught her dog, my dawg started to grab the opportunity to sniff her bum, as all good dawgs do. I got an awful dirty look. I commented that this is the way that dogs get to know each other. She fussed over her little fluffy, and did not appreciate my: “She’s fine, just a woose. She was not hurt at all. Just making a lot of noise over nothing” as she was examining her little fluffy for major wounds. Which of course, didn’t exist.

 Oh, dear, I’ve put my foot in it again.

 Madeleine

Sunday, 26 February 2006