I
have been chatting a bit with Doug (http://thoughtfulthinking.blogstream.com/)
who is caring for his mother who has dementia.
We
PMed this a.m. Just catching up and after replying to him, I remembered this
article that I wrote in 1994.
This is not the same as Doug’s situation. However,
the idea of the time warp is interesting. I felt it many times while Susan was
in hospital, and I suspect Doug would feel it, moving from being at home with
his mother, and then going to work – the “normal” world.
So this is for Doug.
Doug, look after the
Child in you.
THE
HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
A friend of mine recently had her son in
hospital. We were discussing how it felt to have him in hospital, home again,
and the world's response to her experience. I can understand her experience.
I've been there and I know the issues it raises for me.
Being in hospital, caring for a child in
hospital is an extremely unique experience. It is like living in a time warp.
You go to hospital with your child; you talk to doctors, nurses and other
parents (usually mothers); you worry about your child; you compare experiences;
you try and get as much information as possible. But the "real" world
ceases to exist.
Suddenly, it is all over, and you and the
child are home again. No one you speak to seems to understand the experience
and what it was like and how it feels now. You get comments like "Oh,
well, you've had a nice holiday. It's back to work now."; or "It was
nothing serious, thank heavens. You can forget it now". All this is
denying the reality of what you (and the child) experienced.
Yes, it did appear as if you sat around
doing nothing. Yes, according to what is important in our world, you did
nothing for two days, three days or more. Why then do you feel so incredibly
drained and exhausted? Why then do you feel as if the world has continued
without you? Why then do you need a week or more to feel as if life has any
semblance of normality?
Trauma, helplessness, boredom, stress,
fear, worry, lack of control and many other factors are at work here.
The suddenness of the happening, the
unexpectedness. Life is progressing "normally" when suddenly a child
is SICK. The same thing happens when there is an accident - the whole unexpectedness
of the situation is extremely traumatic. We expect life to progress in a
specific pattern. When this pattern or routine is upset, it is traumatic.
Often it is one parent on their own
(usually the mother). There is this sense of incredible loneliness, of having
to cope without any support, of having no one to talk to and to tell how scary
all this is. The Child in the mother says "What about me!". If you
are lucky, there is someone around to care for other children and the day to day
activities. If not, you have to juggle everything. this makes it all the harder
and stressful.
The Child in the mother is empathising with
the Child in her child. But the Adult in the mother knows she cannot express
these fears. The child's Child has priority. So you function, you carry on, you
do what is necessary. You talk to doctors, you discuss treatment, you entertain
and sooth a fractious child.
Suddenly the actual trauma is over. The
child is getting better. Not quite well enough to go home, but well enough. The
child does not need you as much, and begins to look around the hospital for
other entertainment. The Parent and the Adult in the mother knows this is good;
the Child in the mother says "What about me!". The Critical Parent
looks around and comments on other mothers who are not spending as much time
with their sick child; the Adult discussing the future care, and prevention
with doctors. The Child in the mother says "What about me!"
Then it is time to go home. The child is so
happy to be home with siblings, in their own bed with their own toys. The child
still needs and demands the extra attention he received in the hospital. The
other children demand their share of your attention. The partner does too. The
Child in the mother say "What about me!"
The neighbours, other family members,
shopkeepers and friends are saying "Isn't it great. He is better. Now you
can busy again" or "Must have been a nice break for you" or
"You're strong, you can handle it". And the Child in the mother is
saying "What about me!". Everyone tells you (verbally or non) that it
is over, they are not interested, forget it. Let's talk about what happened to
me while you were having a "holiday" caring for a sick child in
hospital.
I know this sounds as if only the mother
experiences this. I believe fathers do and so do friends. But the actual
situation has to be experienced to be understood. Yes, father worries. But the
father goes to work and is able to lose himself in his work and have a break
from the worry and day to day incidents. So do friends and other relatives. The
person (usually mother) who actually stays at the hospital becomes completely
involved in this child, his illness and the whole experience.
So please, if you know someone out there in
this position. Don't discount what has happened. Acknowledge their reality.
Listen to what they are saying. And please, please, listen to their Child and
give the Child of the mother the reassurance, nurturing and strokes she needs.
Madeleine
January
1994
